my new friend fear

I've found new life in the old idea of befriending your enemies. There is value to be found in exposing yourself more to what frustrates you, challenges you, and/or scares you. For me, fear is mainly rooted in the unfamiliar. I'm learning to turn the no-I-can't/never-have into yes-I-will.

Lifting has clued me into my weaknesses--physical is the part of iceberg exposed, the obvious thing revealed. So much of progress is mental, even before hands touch the bar. For a while I bought into hesitation and allowed myself to back off when things felt maybe too tough or sketchy. I went right up to my limit and hovered for months, setting up camp on the plateau that inevitably happens when you stop truly challenging yourself.

Never has this been more true than with bench press. I cannot explain why fear felt more prominent for that one movement than anywhere else in my program. It might have to do with dropping the bar on my chest one or two times...once getting stuck to the point of needing help from a stranger working next to me. Shaken, but fine. Maybe it's because the bar is overhead, and in the past I've never been really strong in my upper body. I've always been leg dominant. And chest? Forget it. Before lifting I didn't even understand the reason or worth in training chest. Naively I thought bench was for big boys, ground I had no reason to cover.

For close to a year, my 1 rep max on bench press did not move. I kissed it a few times, shakily, but never felt confident enough to work past it. While I've been successful programming linear periodization for my other lifts, I could never lock in a progressive workload for bench. Also, I only exposed myself to it once a week. It wasn't my favorite, it made me nervous, and therefore it was easy to not make it a priority(or even equal to my other lifts).

This summer, I started reading more about programming--what works, what doesn't. I gave more thought to body symmetry--training the back chain as frequent and as focused as the front. I made a decision that I did not want any weaknesses. I broke down the three main lifts and took all the weight off so I could lock in form first. After being asked multiple times by friends and strangers if I was training to compete and always saying no, I started to give honest thought to it. Maybe I should, I'd think after a great session. I had plenty of rep goals, weight-on-bar goals...but a competition? It was an interesting thing to start considering.

Fast forward to now and I'm just finishing week 3 of a new 4 month block that will take me all the way to peaking for my first powerlifting meet in April. There's been a real change as the leaves turned a burnt sienna and drifted off their limbs. I lift with purpose. Going back to the beginning and locking in form helped me understand the numbers are nothing if you aren't lifting them right. I decided to befriend bench. Flat, incline, decline, dumbbells. I went back to having nothing on the bar so I could get comfortable with 45 pounds over my face for as many reps as I could stand. I started to trust myself. I quit approaching the bench with a thought of "there's no way..." or "I'll be lucky to get [enter measly number] pounds off my chest more than once." I started sticking to the numbers I wrote down. I made my back stronger to support the push movement. In the simplest term, I worked my ass off. I hit a new 1 rep max in early fall.

Bench is my buddy now. There's still a bit of that nervous adrenaline, even if I know how to bail when necessary. Instead of letting that residual fear balloon up into blockage, I've turned it into a power source. Fear is motivating. Fear makes me move the damn bar. Fear is giving me some of the best sessions that I've ever had. And for the first time ever, I can see my chest split in the mirror(an unexpected bonus to getting stronger I guess).

At this point I have no idea what my attempts will be for the meet this spring--I have plenty of time to grow and that's exciting. By the time April is here, my current max might be my opener. Ah a lady can dream. And a lady can do.